The Run of Shame

I've always run to clear my head, release stress and obviously it's a great way to keep fit too. I thought today would be a good day to do it. Test my hamstring out as part of my rehab since I injured it in September, clear my head after an emotionally hard and stressful week.

But it turned into the opposite of what I needed and wanted.

I felt shame in my body for not being able to perform like it used to, straight away my hamstring hurt and I was barely running. My Garmin was telling me I was underperforming (screw them - those notifications are now turned off!) and my body just didn't feel like mine. I did a walk/run as my physio suggested, but as I was running I instantly felt that, 'you're not good enough' feeling, 'you're not working hard enough'.

And my maybe it's becuase I'm reading Brené Brown's book and I'm in the sections about shame, that it's making me fully aware of these feelings.

The run started to feel ok, so then my brain went to other things, I recently decided to leave a job, and people around me telling me that I'll find something quickly, I always land on my feet. But instead of feeling uplifted from that, I felt pressure - 'I always land on my feet', that's not because I'm lucky, that's because I work my butt off. I'm determined not to fail, I put so much pressure on myself to be the best, to work the hardest, push the furthest.

Which then lead to feeling of emabarssment and shame around Unpaused, it isn’t to the level that I’d hoped it would be at this stage, and I'm feeling at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I can't give it up, I love it too much - I've put so much of ME into this, but how can I keep it going?!

I debated on writing this as a private journal enrty, but going back to Brené Brown's book she writes about vulnerability and transforming the way that we live, love and lead. My vision for Unpaused has always been to share my stories, to have the courage to be vulnerable so others can benefit from what I've learned and encourage others to share their stories to help themselves as well as others.

So here I am - sharing a vulnerable me, hoping that sharing my shame and throwing it on a page will make me feel stronger, to not give a shit that Garmin didn't think I was performing well enough. I'm trying - and that's all that should matter. And I'm trying to be kinder to myself.

I'm trying to let my guard down (very difficult for me!) and asking for help. If you have benefited from what I've been sharing and doing with Unpaused, please spread the word. If you're debating about coaching, message me for a chat for more information. If you loved an event, share with people what you gained from it. If you haven't been able to attend an event, but want to - let me know what days work for you.

I am so passionate about Unpaused, I know there are so many women out there that need support that need a group of likeminded people to chat to and I want to deliver that to you. But I need your help, and what better time than around International Women's Day to reach out.

Help me to make Unpaused what it has potential to be.

Side photo: Me & my dog Kobe - becuase I couldn't get him in the video for social. Check out my social pages if you didn't catch the video.